Sometimes I can’t pour enough of my heart out to get it out of my way and see your face.
You say be still, but I fidget and shift like the wind.
All my problems dance on clouds of thought around and around my head until the sky of my mind is a roaring loud thunderstorm booming in my ears and I can’t hear you.
Flashes of violent lightning jolt my attention from one area to the next- I hear you say “seek my face”, but my eyes falter as endless sheets of rain dive from the sky into the rising tide of stresses and anxieties that have pooled around me.
The wind bites as the current of the waters fight to pull me under. In my mind I wonder where you are- they always said you are the God who saves, but here I am drowning at the mercy of the waves.
Doubts and fears swim as dark shapes in the deep waters, around and around my flailing self- they lunge and they tear through my defenses making my pain my constant and breaking through my balance causing chaos.
I go under and all of the oxygen escapes my lungs, I could swim up, but it would be pointless. The waves would knock me down again and the thunder would growl and shout fear back into my heart again and it’s better being down here where it’s numb.
The sharks with their beady black slit eyes still stalk and watch as I accept my circumstances and surrender to the ocean, their blood stained jagged teeth seem to smile in an apparent celebration, but my heart in my chest dies a little more with each moment.
The further down I sink the greater is the weight on my chest and the more I can’t breathe the less I can think.
The world is blurry and cold and dark, I can’t remember how this all came to start.
I used to be free and happy, my heart used to fly, the storm used to thrill me and we would go above the clouds naming them as we passed them by.
You were my wings, my shelter, my hiding place. I was childish, innocent and naive, yet bold, strong willed and free.
How did I come to let my problems define me.
I close my eyes and breathe out the whole way.
My heart beat slows and the world seems a little warmer.
I can feel the familiar touch of the floor beneath my knees as the tears stream down my face and I dare whisper your name.
My mind clears as your mysterious breath, your Holy Spirit comes and flows through the hollow parts of my heart- you are my wholeness.
All the things that I was fighting are nothing in light of who you are and I am lost in a different sea.
A sea of grace of love, a sea of compassion. Where you are always present and your heart is continuously pouring out for me. Now I am overwhelmed in a different way, looking into your face, those eyes, hearing your voice seeing your smile. The warmth of your embrace around me and the power of the truths you’ve spoken over me, that take root and grow and thrive within me.
Now I surrender again to the water, but this water is different. Inside me it comes alive and flows out and I will tell of the good things of God as long as I live. For he saved me from myself and now I live for Him.