Sometimes it the storm surrounding that propels me to land
Its the fierce and unforgiving wind and waves that move and bring me exactly where I need to be in line with Gods perfect plan.
Its the attack of the enemy that brings me to grip more tightly the refuge that is God my father.
It is the deep hurts that were meant to kill me that open me up to God and allow Him to come fill me more and penetrate deeper into my heart.
It is the darkest hour that makes my eyes see the brilliant extravagant light that my consistent constant never changing God radiates.
It is in the moment of great despair and stress when the weight of the world presses down the hardest on my shoulders with my face to the ground that Gods strength in my weakness is most evident.
And now in this time of loss and grief I find my father with His arms wrapped tightly around me- crying with me- His heart intertwined with mine. I know that His heart is also celebrating what mine grieves. I know that He knows my heart grieves and I know He is for me. I have His heart and His Spirit in me my heart is at peace knowing I am fully known and understood in my state of grieving and celebrating stimutaneously. I know she is dancing with Jesus. Sitting in awe at Gods feet listening to the glorious melody of the angels and the saints.
Though the tears roll down my cheeks in streams and sobs escape my chest my heart celebrates with her. I do not believe she lost her battle to cancer. She kicked the cancer to hell, driving her foot into the devils neck and rising to heaven free in the same motion. She is now victorious, pain free, wrapped in Gods arms. She did not die she just left her body behind.
I do grieve- I will miss her. So so so much. I would not be alive if it wasn’t for her. On my darkest day she saw behind my masks of deception to my hurting heart and offered words of compassion and encouragment. Her hugs were straight from God. Her smile was like a lantern abandoned and freely pouring out light. Her music was pure worship, beautiful violin with deep vibrato. The music filled the whole room to the ceiling permeating the walls and echoing through the whole building. Each note carrying out penetrating then wrapping itself around each heart. When she played you could feel it the music soaking into your soul and reverberating against your ribcage. The amount of passion and emotion she put into the art was evident everywhere.
Though I did not get to say goodbye and tell her how much her life meant to me I trust that God is showing her the impact she made. She taught me to play. More that the basic notes and bowing. She taught me how to pour my soul out through that instrument, how to give my emotions a sound even when there weren’t words to communicate them.
I pray fervantly for the family and students and community she left behind. It right now seems impossible to continue on without her. The world keeps spinning and the days come and go, but there is still an empty space. God bring peace, bring deep healing, bring us closer to you through the tragedy.