Unforgiveness

I cling to this anchor even though its weight is the one that pulls me to the ocean floor, slowly yet swiftly. It carries me from what I need to survive. Down into the depths and the dark, but I can’t let go, my grasp is weary, but I can’t let go. I grip the rusted iron tightly with both arms wrapped around its core, sinking.

I’m the one who chained these shackles on my wrists and closed the lock securing myself to this fate. If I let go, then he would be free, he is the one who formed this anchor. Yet I am the one who wears the scars and I am the one sinking.

A voice in my head screames- IF YOU LET GO IT WILL BE LIKE LETTING HIM OFF THE HOOK- HE WILL GET AWAY WILL ALL HE HAS DONE!!!!!

My soul craves justice with a fierce burning desire.

But there is no air down here, no space.

The pressure from the depths press down on my chest forcing the air to escape my lungs. My head turns to panic. I don’t want to die. Memories, more like nightmares really, they replay themselves over and over in my head. Reminding me how I got here.

Drowning.

Reminiscing to the past I was once a very different person. I was free. My heart soared high and my feet never seemed to hit the pavement when I ran. What unlikely circumstance could turn her into me. She’ll see.

The monster under the bed was less scary than the monster he held within. Its a long process to beat her out of me, she was hopeful and loving and sweet, her wide eyes gazed into the future with anticipation and joy. Her head never hung low, her smile never faltered, her eyes were vibrant and they shone reflecting the heart of the one she believed in.

Lights fade and dim.

Even if I did let go, I could not swim the distance back to the surface. Its hopeless. There is no way to recover what he took. I can never go back. I will never be that girl again. It is all washed away lost in the tide of yesterday. The me that’s here is dying, on the inside, crying, on the outside. But the tears get lost in the current of my present situation. Being dragged to the ocean floor by my own pride and desperation. Even though I’m full of hesitation.

Its madness being stuck in my own mind with my own thoughts and memories. Driving me down, down, down. Plunging me further.

Darkness.

I change my mind, I need help-

I don’t want to die-

I don’t want to live this way-

Head spining and my vision starting to blur I feel a hand on my shoulder.

My Savior.

He has broken all my chains and taken the shackles away, the only thing holding me to this fate is me.

He opens His arms wide.

Cling to me, I am the way, the truth, and the life. Anyone who calls on my name will be saved. I paid for your freedom. Hope deferred makes your heart sick, but I am yout living hope. I am the one who justifies you. When you were dead in your transgressions I saved you. Let go of your unforgiveness and hold onto me instead. I have come to give you life and life abundantly. I will give you peace that surpasses your understanding. I will cleanse you of all unrighteousness. You will be blameless. Redeemed. Set free. Made new and made whole. I will equip you with truth to battle the lies of the enemy that torment your mind. You will learn to hear and obey my voice and the strangers you will no longer follow. I will train you to walk in righteousness and relationship with God. You will be a princess a daughter of God the one true king. Full of the Holy Spirit and power you will walk in authority with your heart yeilded to heaven. I will be with you always. You will be one as the father and I are one. Come to me let me renew your strength and you can rise to soar once again.

Torn.

My heart tears. The weight of this anchor so heavy and still sinking reminds my why I’m here. The sound of His voice calling echos through my ears and tugs at the my heart strings, hope. He asks me to hope.

Darker and darker.

Retreating deep inside myself I close my eyes to sort this all out.

Weighing my options.

Was it not ten minutes ago I was praying for any way to be saved.

Then there He was and I still clung to my doom.

What is wrong with me, why can’t I let this go.

Deeper and darker.

Rock bottom.

I surrender.

I fling arms wide, with my eyes squeezed shut, my heart tired. My last resort. My only option. I choose to forgive. I release that anchor that pulled me here and I breathe out the last bit of air in my lungs. I chose to let this part of me die so that I might live a true life.

I feel the arms of grace wrap around me and pull me to the surface, love breathes life into my heart again. Through surrender and the death of my sin I am freed and brought to life again.

Its as if the blinders are taken off and I can see clearly for the first time. God is the one who brings judgment and justice.

My heart is set free to fly under the Son once again.

Content.

Understanding my true identity.

Carrying heavens attitude.

Heavens mind.

Heavens heart.

Everywhere.

Heaven invades earth through me.

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