Growing Pains

So this is where we are, God and I.

I have these demons— at this point I am honestly not sure if that is figurative or not, which almost scares me more.

Anxiety- I get super freaked out about making decisions. My heart beats really fast and my head spins. My mind plays out the possible consequences of each option. It’s not just making decisions, I get anxious about seeing people, what they will think of me. What I’m wearing,  what I said. What I said seven years ago. What strangers think of me. I get anxious thinking about the current relationships I am in. If I am cultivating them right or killing them slowly. I get anxious thinking about the future, if I am supposed to go to for more school or start working or move somewhere new and start fresh. Mostly I get anxious thinking about the one being in existance who could take away my anxiety, God. I worry that He doesn’t approve of my actions, that I am misrepresenting Him, that I don’t spend enought time with Him. That somehow I mess up the time I do spend with Him and miss Him completely. That what He and I have now will never be as it was and I am just eternally screwed.

Depression- these thoughts I know are lies eat at my brain and attack my heart. They tell me no one wants me. That I am not good enough. That I make too many mistakes. That I am not forgiven. That I am worthless. That I am broken and unrepairable. That I am waste. That I am too far gone. That I am a dark cloud and no one wants to be around me. That I have no future. That there is no light. That God never did love me. That I messed up. That there is no going back. There is no chance of change. That this is who i am. That i hate myself. That everyone hates me. That everyone leaves. To go back to sleep.

Anger- I am angry not in the righteous anger sort of way either. I am mad because I am here. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve been here for a long time.

I am in an uncomfortable state of growing. God is drawing me toward Him, He had challenged me to believe every word He says ad absolute truth.

I have been and that helps me see past the anxiety and depression.

It helps me see Him for who He is and myself as who He made me to be.

I still stumble and a stumble leads to a trip and this season is long and painful, but I am moving on, because God said.


2 thoughts on “Growing Pains

  1. Ahava, I read your post yesterday, but did not have time to comment. Praying for you and still thinking about you, I wanted to respond. Where are you ~ besides in anxiety, depression and anger? What state or country? Do you have family?
    I don’t need details, but just to know if you are alone: male, age, anything that helps me know how to pray for you, and anything that the Lord would want me to say to you to encourage you.
    Look up; look past yourself; set your mind on things above on the one who has created us, redeemed, and promised us life abundant now and for eternity. I pray the Lord’s blessings of His Spirit for you this week. I will be back to check on you later. If you are checking my blog, look for anything there that might help you.
    One thing to remember, ( a new book I am working on about oppression); this is the state of the world in which we live. No one can escape the spirit of oppression that, since the beginning of time, works through the flesh against the Spirit. Steeped in God’s Word with the power of the Holy Spirit, we are enabled even thrive under oppression.
    Christ in you, the hope of glory. ~ Fran

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Frances hello, thank you for your prayers they are much appreciated! I am currently lost in love with God- He is my rock. I am a young adult living in the cold climate of norther United States. My family also lives around this area.
      You need not be too concerned with me.You know how when you have a problem, but don’t say it out loud its almost like it isn’t real and you don’t have to deal with it? This was me recognizing some of my struggles and surrendering them to God. Because I know on my own I can do nothing, but God is a God of victory. Isaiah 53 tells me that Jesus died for my sins to taken away and it also says that by His wounds I am healed. So I know God’s heart is for me to be made whole. And Romans 12 talks about having a transformed mind, so God is changing the way I think and giving me a new mind like 1 Corinthians 2:15 the mind of Christ. So its a process I am in, but I promise that the strangers voice has tormented me long enough, my heart is being tuned more and more to hear Gods voice and he tells me I am free. So free I will be, God Is fighting for me! I don’t have a church around me so that is why I post on here. Thank you so much for speaking truth over me, I hold tightly to that. I most definitely will explore your blog! Love and peace be with you friend!

      Liked by 1 person

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