So this is where we are, God and I.
I have these demons— at this point I am honestly not sure if that is figurative or not, which almost scares me more.
Anxiety- I get super freaked out about making decisions. My heart beats really fast and my head spins. My mind plays out the possible consequences of each option. It’s not just making decisions, I get anxious about seeing people, what they will think of me. What I’m wearing, what I said. What I said seven years ago. What strangers think of me. I get anxious thinking about the current relationships I am in. If I am cultivating them right or killing them slowly. I get anxious thinking about the future, if I am supposed to go to for more school or start working or move somewhere new and start fresh. Mostly I get anxious thinking about the one being in existance who could take away my anxiety, God. I worry that He doesn’t approve of my actions, that I am misrepresenting Him, that I don’t spend enought time with Him. That somehow I mess up the time I do spend with Him and miss Him completely. That what He and I have now will never be as it was and I am just eternally screwed.
Depression- these thoughts I know are lies eat at my brain and attack my heart. They tell me no one wants me. That I am not good enough. That I make too many mistakes. That I am not forgiven. That I am worthless. That I am broken and unrepairable. That I am waste. That I am too far gone. That I am a dark cloud and no one wants to be around me. That I have no future. That there is no light. That God never did love me. That I messed up. That there is no going back. There is no chance of change. That this is who i am. That i hate myself. That everyone hates me. That everyone leaves. To go back to sleep.
Anger- I am angry not in the righteous anger sort of way either. I am mad because I am here. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve been here for a long time.
I am in an uncomfortable state of growing. God is drawing me toward Him, He had challenged me to believe every word He says ad absolute truth.
I have been and that helps me see past the anxiety and depression.
It helps me see Him for who He is and myself as who He made me to be.
I still stumble and a stumble leads to a trip and this season is long and painful, but I am moving on, because God said.