Even So

I sat quietly in my room, it was about three in the morning.

God I need you.

I did my best to seek Him amidst my chaotic mind. Random thoughts bounced around my head, temptations, lies, doubts, fears, my imagination created senarios. I wasn’t tired, I needed God. I was tired of living the way I had been, I really needed God.

God help. You word says, “Be still and know that I am God.” But my mind won’t still. I need you. Speak to me, show me who you are, who I am.

My memories shifted around in ny head and the enemy continued planting His thoughts in my head.

God doesn’t want you.

I knew where the thought came from, but I couldn’t shake it. The enemy was distorting my image of God by filtering Him through my image of my earthly father. Pain.

I toyed with the idea for a while, God doesn’t want me.

My room was pitch black, not a ray of light anywhere, the darkness was a reminder that I hadn’t been where I wanted to be with God for years. I felt like a failure.

I knew I couldn’t get to God by my own works, that no amount of praying, reading my bible, meditating or fasting would save me. Relationship is what would.

I surrender. I submit myself to God.

I love you where you are, the way you are, right now.

Thanks Papa. Help me learn how to recieve your love and how to love you back.

Be still and know that I am God.

I could tell that He wanted me to stop micromanaging our relationship. He was meant to lead and even when I thought I was in a place of surrender I was still fighting to control.

Okay.

Just be.

Okay.

You try so hard to pursue me and end up chasing after you, let me pursue you. All I ask is that you’d just let yourself be found by me.

He was asking me to keep my heart open, not to put up walls or micromanage. All of me. To just be available to Him and let Him God.

Don’t leave me.

I will never leave you or forsake you.

—–

God is so good, I love going through these memories of our love story.

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