The room was dimly lit and full of people, I could feel the collective heat of each person sluggishly moving about the room. There was a slight tension in the room, expectation, excitement, hunger, but despite all these things everyone was still. So I was still, I did my best to blend in, to maintain the facade that I was the same as them. Truth is we were all very different and all at very different parts of life, but I thought that admitting that I wasn’t where they were would draw attention to myself. I didn’t want that. There was a difference between me and them, they were in love with Him and I was angry at Him. They were drawing near to Him and I was doing my best to maintain my distance. I didn’t want prayer, I didn’t want them to see the pain I held in my heart or the anger I had toward the God I couldn’t believe. I needed it though. My heart was so broken, it writhed and shuddered inside my chest, aching and tearing me apart. I did my best on the outside to look like I had it all together, to look like I was fine. I was not fine, but even if I couldn’t admit that I could figure it out on my own, I didn’t need help. There was music on stage, worshippers leading us in a melody I had never heard. I closed my eyes and listened, raising my hands once in a while like the people around me. They went through a few songs, the atmosphere shifted, more hunger, passion, shifting to desperation even. The music slowed and a pastor stepped forward.
” I want you all to close your eyes. Close your eyes and look back”, I did not close my eyes right away, but when I did he continued speaking, “look into your past might be last week or yesterday but I want you to look back and find pain, maybe somebody said something that hurt you or maybe you went through something painful.” I was all to familiar with that pain. I had let it rule me, define who I was and how I saw myself, how I saw God. It controlled me and I let it, the experiences I went through were inexcusable and unforgivable, if I let go of the pain it would be like those things never happened and then the people who did them to me would get away with it, my parents and cousin and God would get away with it. The pastor continued, “now I want you to give the pain to God, surrender it to Him and let him heal you”.
My initial reaction was never in a million years, no. My head went off with major bells and whistles, red blinking lights all screaming no!!! Don’t do it!!! My heart throbbed and from somewhere within me a thought arose, this has gone on for a long time. Memories of how long I had carried that pain came into view. How long I had been separated by the pain, the pain I held against Him the pain I held back from Him. Tension welled in my spirit a hunger for freedom.
Okay, okay, I surrender. I surrender.
I spoke in my heart, holding my hands out to the sides.
My broken heart longed to be made whole, free from the pain. I didn’t want the pain anymore. Desperation rose in me, breaking me, the declaration of my surrender became my identity.
The room seemed to pause in the natural as the Spirit of God entered the room. It was as if He paced back and forth around us all while we were completely still. Like a vibration in the air, electric full of power and yet to me just out of reach.
The Firestarters on stage began a new song. One word FIRE. The singer plead it over us, fire, fire, fire. Desperation filled her voice and she as she sang she neared the edge of the stage getting closer and closer us with every word. Then she turned and went back to her music stand set her mic down and jumping off the stage and praying for the person closest to us.
Part of me actually wanted her to pray for me, but I closed my eyes and continued singing, fire, fire. My heart rang I surrender, God, I surrender.
She came to me next, laying her hands on my should and on my head. The music was so loud I couldn’t hear the words she said, but the second her mouth opened God took over. It was as if a weight was lifted from my chest and my heart soared. All of the pain was emptied from the depths of my soul and replaced with peace and freedom that flooded into me like an oil. The Spirit of God danced around me and joy rose up from within me. I was free, free through surrender. Lost in indescribable, unexplainable, incomprehensible, unimaginable, incomparable peace that flooded my heart and flowed all around me, drowning everything else out. This awareness of God penetrated through my being, awe of His greatness, his power. His power that vibrated around me like electricity and shook through me like thunder and lightning.
My hands floated toward the ceiling and my head had no words for what was going on, but groans cascades from my lips. The moment seemed as if time couldn’t touch it. It stretched on and on and I just stood consumed in God, overflowing in Him, groans pouring from my mouth. Free. Found by God but lost in Him.
And that was five years ago and my Daddy God is still so amazing to me ❤